Pickles and Humbug
April, 1999

Pickles will kill you! Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death. Amazingly, the thinking man has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term "in a pickle". Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucumis sativu possesses indehiscent pepo, the pickle industry continues to expand.

Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. Eating them breeds wars and terrorism. They can be related to most airline tragedies. Auto accidents are caused by pickles. There exists a positive relationship between crime waves and consumption of the fruit of the corcubit family. For example:

  • Nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative.
  • 99.9% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
  • 96.8% of all terrorists have eaten pickles.
  • 99.7% of all people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 14 days preceding the accident.
  • 93.1% of juvenile delinquents come from homes where pickles are served frequently.

Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle-eating:

  • Of the people born in 1879 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality.
  • All pickle eaters born between 1889 and 1899 have wrinkled skin, have lost most of their teeth, have brittle bones and failing eye-sight -- if the ills of eating pickles have not already caused their death.
  • Even more convincing is the report of a noted team of medical specialists: rats force-fed with 20 pounds of pickles per day for 30 days developed bulging abdomens. Their appetites for wholesome food were destroyed.

The only way to avoid the deleterious effect of pickle eating is to change the eating habits. Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has suffered any ill effects from eating orchid petal soup.

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